walking those emotional miles
January 1, 2013 § 2 Comments
I’m not one to make ridiculous and extravagant resolutions, or any resolution for that matter. After age 10, I refused to set myself up for any end of year disappointments and have long since come to grips with my inability to fix every shortcoming. I will not call as often as you’d like, will not write enough entries in my blog, will not meditate every day, and will not… You get the gist. However, at the end of each year, I still take stock of my life; will assess my behavior, decide what gears are in need of shifting, and which short term goal needs adjusting. It’s a reflection of sorts, a checking in with me. What have you done with your life? Where are you going? Are you where you should be? Are you on the right path? Are you surrounded by the right people?
In the past, I had to sift through piles of pros, cons, and experiences before the correct conclusion/answer for those questions could be found. This year the answers came so quickly that I chose to reflect once more just to be sure they were accurate. In the wake of my walk through 2012 was a myriad of situations, people, and their convictions, that I’ve discarded. And if I’m to be honest, I began wondering if this lighter version is really on course to the best me, or am I letting go of too much and too many.
It is safe to say I’ve never had a problem with goodbye. But as this year closes, I found myself questioning if it’s too easy for me to get rid of people. Yesterday, a friend inquired about the best and worst moments of 2012, and the answer to my worst was “the unexpected demise of a friendship/sisterhood.” Initially, it wasn’t a conscious decision to let go of that person and quite frankly, the whole ordeal might have been avoided if our egos weren’t involved. But I hate people challenging my resolve, or my willingness to be okay with their silence. So the distance grew and I refused to offer a log to build the bridge back to what we used to be. If she wasn’t willing, neither was I. I simply held my ground until the tragedy of walking those emotional miles apart took its toll, and before long, we had gone days and months, and milestones in silence.
On the other hand, I believe in an attempt to be Renatta 28.0, I may have reopened doors to folks who aren’t willing to accept that we as individuals may never agree on all things, some of which the other may feel passionately about. People who don’t recognize that even in light of our differences, we must respect each other’s right to their belief system, opinions, and to act accordingly. I’ve learned that such tasks require a level of maturity that sometimes even age doesn’t bring. More importantly, I am even more aware that in my friendships mutual respect is the most important tenet. . A lack thereof is a deal breaker and at this point I stand firmly behind my unwillingness to accept disrespect in my life.
But that’s the easy part. Like I said, I’m pretty good with goodbye. I can shovel experiences and memories like silt and dispose of them without a backward glance or much regard. However, each year I strive to grow and after 2012’s reflection and a few cousins inquiring whether I was willing to let the years of love die in a clash of egos, I had to look at the former friendship I spoke of in paragraph 2. The catalyst for growth would be to challenge myself; push beyond my ego, even break the first word, and try to resuscitate the pulse that used to beat so beautifully between us.
It wasn’t that long ago that we were each other’s tandem and knew that one could freefall and never crash because the other has their back. But times have changed and we’ve shifted and calved like icebergs. Admittedly, I don’t want to put a friendship on life support, or keep someone in my life long after their season has ended. But every so often a birdie would sing a tune that either fastens the belt around my resolve and refusal to engage that person, or in rare cases, would drop a seed of doubt. Is this truly the end? I may never have the answer. Maybe the years would answer it either with our ongoing silence of consent, or something else. For all I know, this may well be added to the list of things that may never fix.
On the other hand, I’ve had a beautiful group of people with whom I’ve had the pleasure of sharing space and time. 2012 has been one of my better years in almost all aspects of my life. It has truly offered more joy, peace, love, renewed hope, and a load of amazing memories than many of its predecessors. As it closes, I pray for the best of everything in my life and yours too.
Happy New Year!!!
For peace is. Knowing we are a work in progress.