working through myself

July 17, 2009 § Leave a comment

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” —Anais Nin.

On the same block that gave me a room of one’s own… a beautiful sense of space & freedom. Same block I tried to drop these ‘you-memories’ on. Some fool welcomed the idea to invade my mental perusing. Same fool decided to act upon it. Same fool came too close for comfort. Same fool said “yo ma! Whut you doin walkin up & down this like you losin yo mind?”

Shut the fuck up!!! <– my first thought.

But as agitated as I was, self couldn’t help but recognize he was onto something. No verbal response given except the mental note; “I’m walking to restore my mind. I’m walking for a purpose”

And so I walked away from him. Away from his inquiries. Away from home. Away from the block of deliberations. Away…just away… but not from me or the memories littering my space.

At least not yet. At least not the ones that singe.

I walked. Until eventually my feet went home again. Where I busied myself with old books read. Words. Lots of words. Folding linens. Towels. Packing away dishes. Observing my skin. Anything. Everything.

Cause I was still walking in my head.

Steady losing grip on the ability to will things into being. A difficult feat for a superhero. <– my daytime realtime longtime moonlighting gig. For I am still trying to wish a litter free space into being. A place to be stationery. A domain emptied of your echo. I am willing away your indiscretion. I am willing…I am willing to admit being tired of fighting with myself.

And failing.

Last night a fellow zodiac companion of yours quoted killbill in explaining your sign. Said “we were born with the cape and the S already on our chest… our disguise is this… ((pointing to himself)) our disguise is trying to look like the average man.”

I laughed. I ought to have been disgusted with and by the arrogance. Instead I laughed. ‘Cause it is reminiscent of the garbage you’d spew.

Looking back on that reaction, I’m beginning to wonder if I should just be giving thanks for the shared experience. Ya know? At the very least, change my perspective or my position on you & then…maybe start with positively nursing the memories that refuse to subside. Until they finally do. I mean. It was a great time. Had great impact. So much joy. Endless fun. Left an indelible print. Was needed. Maybe I should see your humanity for what it is; your humanity. Stop pointing fingers. Quit the blame game. Forgive you. Mostly for myself, if not all for myself. And Admit. Yes. Admit my pride is wounded. And that my dear, is a helluva thing for me to say. Yeah. Me with wounded pride is a helluva thing to say. ((small uncomfortable snicker))

And while I am admitting things, I shouldn’t fail to mention I wish I didn’t have to be tough…and don’t tell me I don’t have to be; for anything less is synonymous with entering a room of undead vampires smelling like blood & fear. Wish I didn’t have to fight fingers. Pry them away from telephones…fight urges to rant, rave and rant & rave. Wish I didn’t have to be strong. And don’t tell me I don’t need to be. For the world makes little or no provision for anything else. Check the old, the young & the ailing; constantly preyed upon. Taken advantage of. Or simply ignored. Wish I didn’t have to Godiva my desires. Wish we didn’t play this game. This back & forth. This whole shebang…this who is the strongest. Whose ego is the largest. Who needs who the most. But if shit had wings, I’m sure it would fly. And maybe, this is the reason why I am destroying the environment with an A/C whose thermostat is set too high ‘cause the humidity of staying within the sane confines of my skin rivals that of the space outside. I’m a hell nasty have no mercy 82 degrees of clamminess.

But in the midst of it all, I recognize a good chunk is about forgiveness. Cause I’m so hard to appease. So hard to mend. So hard to soothe…so quick to forget my own humanity…failing to recognize superheroes get hurt too.


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